Adult Sex Ed
7/12/19 - Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about sex and still haven’t learned, even though you’re an adult now. Our expert panel includes Myisha Battle and Jaclyn Friedman. You’ve got sex questions, and they have answers! Kinda goes without saying, but you probably don't want to listen to this one with young kids around.
Transcript below.
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CREDITS
Producer: Gina Delvac
Hosts: Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman
Theme song: Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn
Composer: Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs.
Associate Producer: Jordan Bailey
Visual Creative Director: Kenesha Sneed
Merch Director: Caroline Knowles
Editorial Assistant: Laura Bertocci
Ad sales: Midroll
LINKS
FEMINIST PORN
#1 - Pay for your porn!
Feminist Porn Awards - find porn and porn producers making ethical smut you can pay for
The Feminist Porn Book - get nerdy
ANAL SEX + MASTURBATION
Tristan Taormino’s guide to anal sex for women
HeyEpiphora.com - funny and grounded reviews of sex toys, entire category of anal toys
Bvibe.com - anal toys and anal guides
SugarButch.net - collection of anal Sexnal sex guides, interviews, toy reviews, and porn, of course
Oh Joy Sex Toy - sex toy reviews and sex ed in comic form
THE EXPERTS
Myisha Battle, Feminist sex and dating coach and host of Down for Whatever
Jaclyn Friedman, author, pleasure activist and host of Unscrewed
TRANSCRIPT: ADULT SEX ED
[Ads]
(0:52)
Aminatou: Welcome to Call Your Girlfriend.
Ann: A podcast for long-distance besties everywhere.
Aminatou: I'm Aminatou Sow.
Ann: And I'm Ann Friedman.
Aminatou: Ooh, hi Ann Friedman.
Ann: Is that your sexy voice?
Aminatou: No! Why are you sexualizing me on my own podcast? Is this sexual harassment? This is my place of work. This microphone is my place of work. Please respect my place of work.
Ann: Oh my god, you're probably literally in your bed right now right? Or on your couch? [Laughs]
Aminatou: I am 100% in my bed right now. [Laughs] Listen! It's not my fault that my voice is sexy okay?
Ann: It is true. It is really -- it's not your fault and it's also not your fault that if I don't hear a greeting that's sort of in an upper register like a "Hi!" I immediately am like sexy voice, like what is it about that? [Laughs]
Aminatou: Love the deep baritone of your voice.
Ann: Exactly. It's either like what's wrong or like ooh, what's right? [Laughs]
(1:50)
Aminatou: Well, you know, great segue. It's almost like you're a professional podcaster.
Ann: Stop.
Aminatou: What are we talking about this week, Ann Friedman?
Ann: We're talking about S-E-X.
Aminatou: [Laughs] I want that to be my ringtone. Gina please make it happen for me.
Ann: Specifically we are getting experts, people who know lots of things about sex, to answer our beloved listeners' questions that they have as adults about sex and sexuality.
Aminatou: We have an expert panel that's here to answer all of your questions. I'm really excited that they're here because I am not equipped to answer any of these.
Ann: I went to 13 years of Catholic school. I am not equipped to answer any sex ed questions.
Aminatou: Girl! You know, so you've got sex questions. We've got sex questions. They have all the answers.
[Theme Song]
Ann: Quick announcement before we get into it, we are going back on the road this fall on tour visiting five cities where we have never been doing CYG live shows. That's Toronto, Detroit, Denver, Austin, and Houston. We are so excited to come see you IRL and you can grab tickets which are on sale now at callyourgirlfriend.com/tour where we've got all the dates and details, links to buy, everything you need to know. We are so excited to see you. Get all the tickets and info at callyourgirlfriend.com/tour.
Myisha: Hey Call Your Girlfriend listeners! I am Myisha Battle. I am a certified sex coach and a clinical sexologist and a feminist, dating coach, I do it all.
Jaclyn: This is Jaclyn Friedman. I am a writer and activist and troublemaker. I like to call myself a pleasure activist. I'm also host of the amazing podcast Unscrewed and I am here to help you out with some of your sex troubles.
Gina: So this first question came in by email. "My partner is five years younger than I am and grew up with a smartphone attached to his hand. One result, he watched porn for most of his life. I've never really watched porn, at first from lack of interest and opportunity and then from discomfort with what I knew about industry practices and porn's treatment of female sexuality. My partner's casual relationship with porn gives me pause. Our sex life is healthy, fun, and respectful. He's a feminist by every other standard. I have friends who absolutely forbid their partners to watch porn because of the way women are treated on film and in the industry. I'm wondering if there's another way. Is there such a thing as feminist porn? Is there any advice or guidance your sexperts can offer on an alternative to the Internet free-for-all? Or is porn an absolute no-no if you claim to love women?"
(5:06)
Myisha: Excellent question and I have clients who struggle with this a lot.
Jaclyn: So I want to unpack this a little.
Myisha: Not only because their partners are interested in porn that they don't feel great about, but they themselves have negative feelings about the porn that they watch themselves.
Jaclyn: She knows that some of her friends forbid their partners from watching porn and I really strongly want to encourage you not to forbid your partners from doing anything. So I'm glad, listener, that you are looking for another way. And the good news is yes, there is feminist porn and there are feminist ways to consume or experience porn.
Myisha: So I do have a reference on my website to the Feminist Porn Awards which is a fantastic database of feminist porn producers of all genres so you get everything from story-based to more kink-friendly, things that you would see in your traditional forms of pornography that you can find out they're on the Internet for free. But the difference is everyone is buying into the process meaning a lot of the performers are actually directors as well or writers. They're creating scenes that they feel good about performing in. They're agreeing to do the things onscreen that they are doing where, you know, it's iffy when you're watching conventional porn to know whether or not the people who are involved are, you know, being fairly compensated and is there something behind the payment structure where they feel like they have to do certain things that they normally wouldn't want to do? Because they get paid more. So the Feminist Porn Awards website is feministpornawards.com and if you go to feministpornawards.com/studios you're going to see all of the places that make feminist porn.
Jaclyn: The number one way to be more feminist about your porn consumption is to pay for your porn. Pay for your porn, pay for your porn. The websites that offer free porn are almost all owned by one particular company which literally used to be called Manwin, I did not make that up, and is now called MindGeek. And the fact of their business model is that they don't do -- they don't sell porn, they sell ads against porn -- means that they don't have to have in place any of the checks to make sure that industry best practices are being followed.
(8:00)
If you want to learn more about this I wrote about it in a chapter of my book Unscrewed. There is your shameless plug. So yeah, I would talk to your partner if he's watching free porn all the time on the Internet about that being unethical and why. But if you're interested in exploring feminist porn the thing that I want to encourage you to think about is what that means to you because there's two issues, right? So there's a question of how are workers being treated? And then what's being depicted?
And I think people get really hung up on the what's being depicted part and I think that we need to be careful and thoughtful about not yucking other people's yum. So it is very hard to say because this particular scene depicts a woman in a submissive position or getting ejaculated on or peed on or whatever it is that you might consider degrading, somebody else may literally just consider that a turn-on. And so I bristle more at sort of policing what the content depicts.
I do think porn as an industry and largely run by the MindGeek overlords way overrepresents the kinds of representations in porn in which women are in subjugated positions. But I don't in any way want to suggest it's not feminist to watch or consume porn that includes women in subjugated positions; it's just that that content is way over-represented.
There's a book that I highly recommend if you're curious about this called The Feminist Porn Book. It's an anthology thinking all about what is feminist porn and what does that mean? If you want to get nerdy, I know that I'm not the only nerd in the CYG audience. But if you just want to get down to smut I have some recommendations. I highly recommend PinkLabel.TV. I love TrenchcoatX, Indie Porn Revolution. Some of these are recommendations I've gotten from other people. Oactually.com. So yeah, there's tons of places to find feminist porn if you want to pay and you should absolutely pay for your porn.
Listener: "Hi Amina and Ann, I'm speaking in this low, sensual voice because I'm recording this at work. My sort of most recent sex question and issue has been around the fact that my partner is bi and his past experiences with men have made me feel simultaneously really threatened and also really turned on. He has also been with sex workers I found out which we had a really healthy discussion about but also made me feel threatened and turned on. And I find that when I am masturbating that's what I think about and then when I'm not masturbating those things make me highly anxious and feel really weird. So I'm currently grappling with what's probably a really common issue which is the things that turn you on maybe the most on a deep level are also sometimes things that make you feel really anxious and tense and competitive in your relationship. So any insights that you guys have about that I would be so psyched to hear. Thanks."
Myisha: Surprise, you guys are compatible. [Laughter] You have met someone who satisfies this deep kink basically that you have of being with someone -- being with a man who is also with other men. It's unclear from the voicemail whether or not they're in an open relationship. I would offer if their relationship is monogamous at the time and really what's being explored are just the stories of his experiences with men, you know, I would challenge you to challenge yourself to think about why that history would feel so impactful to you.
(12:05)
You know, if these are things that are happening concurrently in the relationship that's a different story. That's a little bit more like concrete and real and my advice would be to talk about boundaries and to talk about, you know, how much you want to be involved in what he's doing outside of the relationship. But if these are just recounting of his past experiences and you get turned on by it and it's your like, you know, fodder for masturbation, I think this is wonderful that he is able to feed you sexually in this way and you have that sexual energy that's flowing between you.
And it can be even fun to incorporate that in your sexual experiences with one another like having him detail things while you're actually physically together. Again my response to you self-managing those emotions is different depending on whether you're currently in the situation where things are happening or whether he's just telling you about past experiences.
Because I think past experiences, those things are just -- that's his past. And, you know, he's chosen to be with you at this point in time. So if its' causing any anxiety that he has this past that's something I think maybe should be explored a little bit more deeply.
Gina: I love that. Do you have further advice if it's currently open?
Myisha: Yeah, exploring boundaries. So what I mean by that is maybe he has these experiences but he doesn't tell you right away so that there's not an okay, well we need to like rehash everything that happened. I think maybe for you a don't ask, don't tell policy might be beneficial in an open relationship. That's something you can chew on though, like just think about how much or how little you need to know about these situations as they're unfolding.
(14:10)
Some people like to be completely in the dark and then when they ask their partner divulges information, but only the information that they ask. So if that is resonating for you maybe that's an option moving forward so that it's not taking you off guard and putting you in a position where you think oh, is he going to leave me for this person?
Gina: So this is producer Gina Delvac. Jaclyn and I are going to talk about this together as the bi representatives of this particular episode. [Laughs]
Jaclyn: As a pair of bisexuals.
Gina: Yes, yes. Right.
Jaclyn: My first thought is about pegging honestly.
Gina: Hmm, say more.
Jaclyn: So one of your insecurities may be that you feel like you cannot give your boyfriend sexual experiences he has enjoyed with other men. And that is true to a certain extent in the sense that none of us can give our partners sexual experiences that they might have with another person because we're all different. And probably even if you get a great dildo, like the experience of sucking your dick if you were to wear it would be different. But you can if he's into it peg him right? You can fuck him in the ass with a dildo. You can strap it on. You can just hold it in your hand. There are thigh harnesses. There are lots of different ways logistically to do this.
But if part of what you're stressing about is not giving him the experiences he might miss with men I think you should first talk with him about it, right? Like 100% you should very gently and carefully, because we bisexuals are not to a person but often very tenderhearted about being told our bisexuality makes people feel weird because it's a thing we feel a lot.
Gina: Yep.
Jaclyn: I don't know about you Gina but like . . .
Gina: Yep. [Laughs]
(16:10)
Jaclyn: So I would very carefully and tenderly let him know that this is something you want to work through and not have it be a hang-up. Like find out if there are things he misses, right? Get curious about it and see if you can do some of those things with him. Or, you know, if you feel up to it strap on a glove and put a finger up his butt. If he's missing butt play or prostate play you can help out with that.
Gina: I feel like part of what you're getting at too, because this question so stresses the emotional -- like that relationship between eroticism, the forbidden, and anxiety, that part of what I hear you jumping to Jaclyn is maybe that is a fertile, erotic space, right? That just by dent of her boyfriend being bi this person is imagining themselves into new possible roles and new possible sexual situations. And so -- go ahead, yeah. Yeah.
Jaclyn: And to open that. Not to do it in secret, right?
Gina: Yeah.
Jaclyn: I feel like there's a risk if you keep this your own little secret in your heart and in your bed privately from him that if he ever finds out -- it'll come out one way or the other eventually.
Gina: [Laughs]
Jaclyn: And he may feel othered or fetishized.
Gina: Exactly, right. I think there's this sense of like oh, you are omnivorous and I'm only ever going to be a steak or I'm only ever going to be a vegetarian meal and how could I possibly be all the things that you need for your nourishment?
Jaclyn: The reality is A) not every bisexual person wants it all all the time. Some of us are old and tired. [Laughter] Some of us are just temperamental and monogamous. Some of us are demisexual bisexuals, right? Or asexual bisexuals. Like the fact that your boyfriend's bisexual doesn't mean he's insatiable and I think those things get conflated a lot.
Gina: Yeah.
(18:15)
Jaclyn: And also like the bisexuality thing sort of brings that anxiety to the fore but we're all always imperfect matches for our partners' needs and wants.
Gina: We're both rooting for you, listener. I think this could be a very sexy opening and like just open up that secret enough the same way that you might some other adventurous quality that you might add to your relationship.
Jaclyn: Yes.
[Ads]
(21:26)
Listener: Hey Ann and Amina, I'm a listener from LA and my request is for advice from anyone who has something really unsexy to share with a partner before actually having sex with them, and specifically for me that means telling someone I have herpes type 2 which I was diagnosed with a few years ago, the same week that Ivanka's dad was elected -- LOL -- but I was in a long-term relationship then and now I'm dating again and I'm finding it really difficult to know how best to talk vulnerably and sensitively and clearly about this with people I want to be with.
I feel really lucky to have so many resources and so much information on treatment and prevention for spreading herpes but there isn't actually that much out there about how to talk about it without freaking potential partners out or without sending myself into a shame spiral if they aren't 100% cool with it. So hoping you and your experts can share some strategies for dealing with the emotional side of having an STI or any unsexy news to share with a partner.
Myisha: So it's interesting that we as a culture mark disclosing an STI as unsexy because it's probably one of the sexiest things you can do in the sense that it's respecting your partner's autonomy and the fact that they may not want to engage with someone who has an STI. Of course that can be the case, right? But the fact of the matter is that one in six people have herpes simplex 2 so the odds of you running into someone who does not care are pretty in your favor. [Laughs]
So it's really about communicating to them in a way that shows them that you care about their health and well-being. Speaking from a place of experience, you know, "I've had this for three years. I've been able to manage it. Here's what I do to take care of myself so that I'm not putting others at risk. But I want you to know because I see this going into sexual territory and I don't want us to be physical in a way that is uncomfortable to you."
(23:50)
And really it can end there. The ball is in their court so you will have to receive whatever response they give you. But whether it's a yes or a no just thank them and accept that that was a huge step for you just to own that process and the more you practice it the better you'll get at it. And you'll be surprised that so many people will say "Okay, cool, yeah, I've been with people with herpes or I have herpes." Or "Yeah, seems like everybody has herpes."
Gina: "I'm in the process of accepting that I don't usually feel romantic attraction and I want to channel most of the romantic energy that I do feel towards my friends and chosen family. I've recently been in conversation with one of my friends about us wanting to be intimate with each other in new ways. We've been doing cuddly sleepovers, occasionally holding hands, kissing each other on the cheek. Then a few months ago I texted her about increasing our intimacy some more and she responded enthusiastically. Over the past few months we've never had that conversation in person but we've texted each other about this potential in our relationship, a.k.a. wanting to make up -- LOL -- after we feel it in person. I've also had sex dreams about her which make me curious about the level of intimacy she's imagining and what I want too. My anxiety is this: I want us to explore what new levels of intimacy could look like for us while respecting that she has a partner and I don't want one, so I would love some advice on how to have this conversation which needs to happen not over text while voicing my anxieties and my desires. How can I make this easier for us?"
Myisha: Hmm, yes, this is a great question and to answer it I want to go back to something that the listener stated: "I want us to explore what new levels of intimacy can look like for us while respecting that she has a partner and I don't want one." That's basically what you need to tell this person.
(25:46)
I think that we get really caught up in our heads about if we cross some sexual boundary that we are -- we are immediately placing ourselves on a relationship escalator. If a relationship is not what you're seeking then that's what you need to be communicating to anyone who you believe might want more from you. It may be that you're fitting into her picture just as neatly as she is fitting into yours.
Listener: Hi Ann and Amina, I have a question for your adult sex ed episode. I have a really close friend who's in her early 30s who has not had any sexual experiences including intentional masturbation. She has not had any partners to kind of explore that with which I think is one hang-up and she also said she's not really that sexual of a person and when we talk about it that's kind of how she waves it off. And I'm wondering -- I definitely understand there's a spectrum of sexuality and there's asexuality but I definitely feel she has kind of some shame and embarrassment around delaying this part of who she is and I'm wondering if it's appropriate for me as a friend to talk about exploring masturbation with her and how I could do that or if it's, you know, something that she's kind of kept private and if I should respect that. Thank you guys, bye.
Jaclyn: So I want to really thank you for calling in and asking this question instead of just forging ahead. I think the key thing that I'm missing in your call is whether or not your friend has expressed any distress at their own situation outside of I feel shame because the culture makes me feel bad about this. So there's a big difference between "I wish I had access to sexual experiences with partners and I just haven't been able to make that happen" or "I feel like I wish I could experience pleasure masturbating and it stresses me out and I don't know how" and "I feel ashamed because people look at me like I'm pathetic." And I hope you can hear the difference between those two things.
(28:00)
And if you're only hearing the latter from her your friend doesn't have a problem that can be solved by masturbation. Your friend has a problem that can be solved by the culture shifting and you can be part of that shift by not pressuring her, right? By not trying to save her from something she does not want rescued from.
It sounds -- the only clue we have in here is you saying that she has said to you that she's just not very sexual. And if that's the sum total of the information you've got from her I really, strongly want to encourage you to respect that because you don't want to become part of all the other voices in her head that are making her feel ashamed of who she is and what she wants and doesn't want. But ultimately you need to respect and believe your friend. So if your friend is not telling you that she wishes that her sexual experiences were different then don't assume that she does. Just believe what she says to you.
Gina: The only thing I would possibly add is like a good friend, like anything else, it's fine to ask her open-ended questions about this if it sounds like there's a piece of this that you're curious about because it doesn't square with your own experience. And I think your intentions are good of not wanting someone to limit their own possibility for pleasure. But that's not from what you've said what we're really hearing from your friend. So I think that if this topic comes up, if she brings it up, I think it's fine to say "Oh, why do you think that is?" or "Is that something you -- can you tell me more about that?" Like no judgment, just openness, and maybe you'll find out more about whether this is sort of the category one that Jaclyn described of I feel ashamed so I can't explore my own sexuality which I would like to do versus category two of people are making me feel ashamed about the fact that sex us is just not that important to me and not something that I'm into.
(29:55)
Listener: Hi Team CYG. My question is in regards to sex on SSRIs and specifically the loss of libido that commonly comes with SSRIs. I've been taking escitalopram which is an SSRI for about a year-and-a-half and it's been very strange to experience just a like total loss of interest in sex. Every now and then I'll still have dreams about sex but it doesn't really translate into anything once I wake up. So I would be curious to hear from your experts just tips or resources or information about how people who take these drugs adjust to the effects on their libidos. That would be really helpful.
Myisha: Yes, I can address this. And first I want to acknowledge how common the experience is. It sounds like your listener knows that that is one of the common side effects of going on SSRIs is a dampened libido or, you know, sometimes it's a clear wiping out of any sexual desire. It sounds like sexual desire is still there in her dreams which is amazing.
My first advice would be to chat with your doctor about switching your SSRI. There are options out there that may work for you in helping to moderate what you're going through and still have you maintain your mental health. A lot of folks have seen some positive results just by switching their SSRI.
Another thing that you can do that I work with clients on is just practicing getting more in-touch with your sexuality. For a lot of us we're so used to it being there that when it's suppressed it's like where did it go? How do I get it back? That's -- it's there but I like to say it's muted. It's just kind of below the surface more than you're used to. And unfortunately, you know, working with just the body is not enough, like you kind of need to make some adjustments on the medication side as well to see if that can free up a little bit of space.
(32:24)
I think working with this notion that your body has changed and even if you do switch SSRIs there is still going to be that dampening effect on libido but I think one thing that's very helpful is practicing love and kindness and acceptance that you're still a sexual being. You still have this desire within you and you can access it but it's going to look different. It's going to look -- you're in a new phase of life where sexual desire is going to look and feel differently to you. So believing that, working on that, creating a mantra around that can be really helpful and I've seen that actually help my clients a lot as well.
Gina: And we have a similar question.
Listener: Hi Call Your Girlfriend. My question is about the fact that I have to have a prophylactic oophorectomy in a year or two because I'm at high risk for ovarian and breast cancer. And I'm really worried about what's going to happen to my sex drive and my relationship with my husband in terms of our sex life after the surgery. So I guess my question is what should I expect after the surgery and what are some of the things I can do to try to make sure my sex drive doesn't disappear with my ovaries? Thank you.
(33:48)
Myisha: So sex obviously will change as you are embarking on this new chapter of your womanhood. That's kind of how I would like to see it. And it's interesting because this is going to happen for all of us at some point in our life, right? Bodily changes, hormonal changes are going to impact how we experience sex with ourselves and with our partners.
So like the listener earlier when I recommended sort of coming to terms with this new chapter, this new expression of sexuality. What does that look like? What does that feel like? Just knowing that it's going to be different and, you know, it hasn't happened yet. So thinking of it like this is an opportunity to rediscover who you are as a sexual person as well. I think that often we feel that if something is being taken away from us that we're not able to fully be our full selves but in actuality we have desire within us that is accessible to a certain degree no matter what pieces of us remain.
And when you have this procedure I think it's really -- it could be really helpful for you to seek out help in the form of an herbalist because I really believe in natural support around this and there are natural libido boosters if you find that you're really feeling less desire and it's impacting your relationship. There are some things that you can do to tweak your hormonal balances naturally so that's an avenue that you may want to pursue. And that also might help you as you're going forward to know that there's going to be support on the other side.
So don't think you're going to be alone and just have to accept this new way of being but if you find things are not where you want them to be there are some solutions that can make things a little better for you.
(35:50)
Listener: I have in recent years really started to explore my pleasure with anal sex and anal masturbation. Like this is only kind of in the porn world where it's either explicitly sort of fetishized and outside of that it's really not talked about. And so I would be curious to hear from your folks more about anal sex and anal masturbation solo.
Jaclyn: This question made me so happy because this is like somebody who has found a thing they like and they don't feel bad about it. 80% of the questions at least do not contain those two elements. [Laughter] So the first thing I want to say is you are ahead of the game, honey. Good for you. I love this. Anal sex and anal masturbation are totally normal in both men, women, whatever your gender is. I always say this because there is a lot of mainstream tube site free porn created pressure for women to act like they like anal sex in all conditions at all times. So I also just want to say as an aside if anal sex is not your jam that is also super valid but that is not the question we have before us.
There are a million resources for anal sex. The place I want you to start is with Tristan Taormino's classic work The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. I cannot recommend this book enough. It has literally been called the bible of female anal sex and it's totally not fetishy. It is exactly where you want to start from.
So I actually crowd-sourced this a little bit from other sex educators. I didn't want to miss out on anything. So here are some ideas that folks suggested. There's a great website called Hey Epiphora, that's heyepiphora.com, where she reviews sex toys in these sort of unvarnished, hilarious, but very educational sex toy reviews. And she has an entire category about anal toys. So if you're interested in introducing that or upping your game in terms of anal masturbation there's a million toys out there and these are very shame free, grounded, but also kind of funny reviews and she will not steer you wrong. So I highly recommend that.
(38:15)
There's also a company specifically for anal toys, it's called b-Vibe, and not only should you check out their stuff but they have a ton of anal guides. So if you want to read more again from a not fetishy, straightforward, sex educatory place, I would check out b-Vibe's website and find their anal guides and look for the kind of stuff you want. They're all written by great sex educators, a variety of folks, and that might also help you feel like a little more less stigmatized.
I also recommend sugarbutch.net I think is the website who did an anal week sort of talking about all things anal and if you go to sugarbutch.net and type in like Google inside the site -- search inside the site -- anal week wrap-up you'll find all the links.
I also totally recommend to everybody all the time Oh Joy Sex Toy which is this amazing series of comics about sex and sexuality, sometimes sex toys, sometimes not sex toys, and there's a number of them about anal sex. So there's just a ton of stuff out there and every place you look is going to point you in another direction so I just encourage you to play, figure out which one of these things you like. Have a great time. You are not alone. And I think also if you listen to the earlier question about feminist porn you'll find some of those porn sites if you pay for your porn are not nearly as sort of fetishy and crappy as maybe the free stuff that you've been exposed to it sounds like. Have fun with your butt!
Myisha: Yeah, enjoy your butt!
Jaclyn: Woohoo!
Myisha: [Laughs]
(40:10)
Jaclyn: I just am always so excited when people find sexual things that they enjoy without reservation. Like I just -- it makes me so happy because there's so much stress and struggle around sex and so if you found something that works for you and you feel good about it I just want you to go all in.
Ann: If you're loving these sexy questions and answers or if you want to share your own experience with some of these issues please visit our Instagram page at callyrgf this week to continue the conversation and we invite you to do so with love and care and respect for your fellow listeners because this stuff is sensitive. And while we love talking about it we want to do so in the right spirit. Check out the continuing conversation at callyrgf on Instagram.
Aminatou: Ann, do you remember what your sex ed manual was like when you were in Catholic school? Like what was the deal? What was the beef?
Ann: Oh my god. First of all the class was called Guidance.
Aminatou: [Laughs] Let me guide you inside of me, like that kind of guidance?
Ann: I mean . . . I mean listen. And starting in like, you know, I think second grade was when they started with naming the parts of the anatomy, like God made penises, and then it was in a parenthetical pronounced P-nis, you know what I mean? Like that kind of thing.
Aminatou: [Laughs]
Ann: And yeah, it was all very like then God decides you go through puberty at a certain age. When a man and a woman love each other very much and are married and God is cool with it, thumbs up, then they can do what they -- you know what I mean?
Aminatou: Oh my gosh.
(41:50)
Ann: It was like extremely, extremely . . . you know, my real sex was actually my friend and neighbor's mom's subscription to Red Book Magazine.
Aminatou: Oh yeah, we've talked about this. You were definitely horny for Red Book Magazine.
Ann: I was so horny for it. I mean it was basically tips for married heterosexual women on how to keep the spice in their relationships or whatever but it also contained information about birth control. Like I think it's probably where I was presented with some very basic ideas about sexual acts that are for pleasure, not procreation. Also devices that can help you not procreate if you -- if that is a concern with the sex that you're having. So I don't know, I can't remember anything specific that blew my young mind wide open. I just remember being like okay, this is the real stuff. Like you can't trust school to give it to you. And maybe that's like, you know, we're getting at some roots of my questioning authority of just being like I know Catholic school is not giving it to me. Like, you know, at all.
Aminatou: Catholic school is definitely not giving it to you Ann.
Ann: Definitely not. The husband and wife team who wrote the guidance textbook were not giving it to me. What about you? Tell me about your sex ed memories.
Aminatou: I did not receive any kind of sex ed because my high school was not Catholic but very religious and I started there in tenth grade so I missed ninth grade health class. And health I think is where they tell people the things. But I really think it just consisted of watching whatever that child birth video was, you know? That every American kid has watched somehow. I'm just like why is this so ubiquitous? So I did not have any kind of sex ed. And when I needed sex ed in college I ordered The Guide to Getting it On from Amazon and I read it cover-to-cover and I was like okay, I'm ready now.
Ann: I feel like you've recommended that book on this podcast before.
Aminatou: I love that book. But I will also say that all of the bad sex tips that I've gotten were probably from skimming through Cosmos at the hair shop or the hair salon when I was growing up. And like this week alone I was trying to think about all of the terrible -- like the dumbest sex advice I'd ever seen in Cosmo. I'm so glad this is not a resource I need in my life.
(44:10)
Ann: I think about that a lot, of like if I could go back and actually give myself more -- I mean listen, could I play this episode for my younger self and would she get a lot out of it? Absolutely. I also remember several years ago when I finally read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and I was like that's how my reproductive system works? [Laughter]
Aminatou: I know. It's like sex ed, it's a lifelong kind of learning man. Get to know your body. That's the rest of your life.
Ann: Right.
Aminatou: It's not a one-and-done.
Ann: Yeah, and I don't know. Like sometimes do you ever think about if you'd had more ready access to the Internet how your sex ed experience would've been different? Like positive, negative, whatever?
Aminatou: Ann, we've already discussed how I was born ten years too early. I would've been quite the child Internet prodigy. But yeah, you know, I just think that if I'd had . . . if I could've learned about this stuff in the privacy of my own computer at home and probably would've been . . . you know, would've had a lot of healthier attitudes. The only thing that's keeping me going is that it's never too late to get sex ed so it's fine.
Ann: It's true. And also just hearing you say that I'm thinking about I'm like gosh, I really hope there's someone doing really good sex ed on like TikTok or something like that. I hope someone is where the kids are and is doing good work with sex ed, not just for adults but for people who are trapped with only a guidance textbook to guide them.
Aminatou: I know, written by a husband and wife team. My god. [Laughter] What a scam.
Ann: I mean you will learn how to pronounce penis and that is about it.
Aminatou: Pennies!
Ann: Peen-us. Like I love the idea that kids would not know how it's even said. I mean the assumption of the guidance textbook was you're getting misinformation at home, like we're going to tell you how to pronounce these basic body parts and that's it.
Aminatou: Okay. Peen-us! See you on the Internet, boo-boo.
Ann: Fallopian tubes!
Aminatou: You said that right. [Laughter] You can find us many places on the Internet: callyourgirlfriend.com, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, we're on all your favorite platforms. Subscribe, rate, review, you know the drill. You can call us back. You can leave a voicemail at 714-681-2943. That's 714-681-CYGF. You can email us at callyrgf@gmail.com. Our theme song is by Robyn, original music composed by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Our logos are by Kenesha Sneed. We're on Instagram and Twitter at @callyrgf where Sophie Carter-Kahn does all of our social. Our associate producer is Jordan Baley and this podcast is produced by Gina Delvac.