Good Riddance 2020
12/18/20 - Crawling to the finish line of 2020, we catch up and reflect on what parts of our pandemic routines we may keep as we move into 2021.
Transcript below.
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CREDITS
Producer: Gina Delvac
Hosts: Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman
Theme song: Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn
Composer: Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs.
Associate Producer: Jordan Bailey
Visual Creative Director: Kenesha Sneed
Merch Director: Caroline Knowles
Editorial Assistant: Laura Bertocci
Design Assistant: Brijae Morris
Ad sales: Midroll
TRANSCRIPT: GOOD RIDDANCE 2020
Aminatou: Welcome to Call Your Girlfriend.
Ann: A podcast for long-distance besties everywhere.
Aminatou: I'm Aminatou Sow.
Ann: And I'm Ann Friedman. Big pause there boo. [Laughs]
Aminatou: What's so funny? What's so funny?
Ann: I feel like every time I'm like who am I? Like pause, like you know, I don't know. You can do something a bajillion times and it still feels like if your brain is not in the right place is this correct? It's like entering your ATM password or something where you're like I should know this but then one day out of 20 you forget it.
Aminatou: Oh man, speaking of I had to fill out a W-9 recently for a thing we're doing together. But because we are LLCs I have not filled out a W-9 as myself in a long time and this time I had to. Long story short Ann I went into a frenzy not remembering the last four digits of my social security number which are the ones . . .
Ann: Those are the important ones.
Aminatou: The ones everyone remembers, you know what I mean? I'm like yeah, it's wild that I remember the first numbers but I don't remember these last four. And I just sat there and I kept entering the last four of my phone number and I'm like surely this cannot be it. [Laughs] But truly had a meltdown over it and then it turns out I don't know where my social security card is in my house because the last time I found it I put it in a safe place, you know? So it's in the safe place but who knows where that is. Yeah, that's caused me to spiral this week already. [Laughs]
Ann: You know how some movie trailers have a line like "Forget everything you thought you knew about whatever?" I feel like 2020 has been that but then there's no great plot review. It's just forget everything you thought you knew, then there's no like here's the exciting what's next. It's just like whoops. And the last four digits of your social fully fit with that.
(2:00)
Aminatou: Yeah, fully. The last four digits of my social it turns out are not the last four digits of my phone number, but you know, good luck to everyone with that. Okay, welcome to this week.
Ann: It is our last episode of 2020. That's what's happening today.
Aminatou: [Howls] I am psyched!
Ann: She-wolf. She-wolf howl for the last episode of this show until 2021. Ugh.
[Theme Song]
(2:55)
Aminatou: Like mentally I'm still on March 11th, you know what I mean? [Laughs] Everything . . .
Ann: You're frozen in amber on March 11th?
Aminatou: Yeah, like I still remember watching I think it was The View that morning specifically where the audience -- there was no audience and I was like oh man, this coronavirus thing, like I guess it's real. And then I went to the Aesop store. I was in LA and I went to Aesop and they were out of my hand sanitizer and I was like okay, this is real! Like it has now reached me. [Laughs] In the luxury hand sanitizer department.
So I just feel like I am still stuck in March somehow this year, or I mean like today I feel like I'm stuck in March and I don't know why all week it has felt that way. I guess what I'm trying to say is I do not believe the end of year is imminent because time has just been frozen all year and I also just generally, even when it's not a pandemic, I really hate the like end-of-year dread that you're supposed to feel about oh yeah, what's my most listened to music? What's my top list? What am I taking into the new year? What am I not? The Gregorian calendar does not apply to me so this year it feels especially disorienting.
Like I just don't know what we're supposed to do with all of this. You know there's that meme where everyone keeps saying "You know that March is only in three months?" and you're supposed to flip out about it? And any time I see the meme or I hear someone say it out loud I am truly disoriented for a couple of minutes and then I, you know, mentally I'm back again in March 11th, 2020 and I don't know what time has been this entire year.
(4:38)
Ann: Ugh. I mean you know I love the Gregorian calendar because my birthday is early January so it aligns with my personal time on this planet so therefore I think I just got lucky calendar-wise. However I just want to say I love that we talk about this literally every year on this show. [Laughs] The like -- we're like yes it's the end of the year and also we don't respect this calendar, like every single year. There is some kind of comfort in that routine of like doesn't matter what happened in the past 12 months. We are going to be here saying . . . like I don't know, maybe it's just the break that feels relevant because we take a good break at this time of year and that feels more present than whatever's happening with the numbers on the calendar.
Aminatou: Can I tell you something really petty that I thought about but your birthday is really putting a damper on this for me? Some point in the last couple of weeks I had this very dark thought where you know my obsession with fairness when things are bad. Like when something sucks I want it to suck equally for everyone.
Ann: Right.
Aminatou: That is just . . . that's the kind of parents that I'm going to be. I'm just like it's bad for one person, it's going to be bad for everyone here. This is how we . . .
Ann: Your most socialist tendency truly.
Aminatou: 100 percent, like if things are not going well in a relationship I'm like does it suck as much for you as it does for me? Otherwise this is not fair. But one ff my darkest thoughts and pettiest thoughts in the last couple weeks has been ugh, thank goodness the January/February/March babies are also going to have quarantine. [Laughter] I was like finally! Everyone gets one in the quarantine.
(6:20)
And then I remembered the last year we were writing a book during your birthday and so you technically had a quarantine birthday which makes me sad for you.
Ann: It's true. It's true.
Aminatou: And very much the vibe was like next year we'll do it big. And here we are, as you know it's March in three months and that's not going to happen. But also I was watching one of the Operation Warp Speed like vaccine people on television and he said probably we would be vaccinated sometime in May or June and my first thought was literally "No! My birthday clock countdown has been ruined!" [Laughs] And so I'm telling you that this is where I'm at, like I am spiraling. I am turning into a petty person and nothing matters anymore. This is what 2020 has done to me personally.
Ann: Maybe we need to do a thing on the back half of next year where like this was maybe not your experience in school but in my elementary school there was sort of like a designated day for all the kids who had summer birthdays where we sang happy birthday to all of them.
Aminatou: Oh that's nice. We did not do that at French school. We're just like no, those kids are damaged. You get a birthday in school or you do not get a birthday in school, sorry.
Ann: I don't think it was every single year but definitely at some point in my childhood I have a memory of doing this and I feel like we need to do that for . . . you essentially get to hold on to an honorary on birthday date if you lost your birthday to a pandemic one or even two years in a row you get to play a birthday card at some point in the future and be like "No, everybody show up and eat this nice meal with me." Or "No, I'm going to opt out of work today because I couldn't do that on my actual birthday." Or however it is you like to celebrate the fact you have made it another year on this earth which is really, you know, why I am such a birthday evangelist. I feel like I'm going to give myself an un-birthday card for the back half of 2021.
(8:25)
Aminatou: [Laughs] I will say as someone who actually does not care about my birthday, or rather I care to be left alone on my birthday, not to be celebrated, that your philosophy -- your maximalist philosophy of everything is an event that has to be celebrated, this year I've been really humbled by that and I was like you know what? Next year or one day when we can celebrate again I will care to celebrate in a small way things that happen because you never know that you will get a chance to celebrate them in the future.
Ann: Oh my god, fully. Like eat the food item that you've been saving for some special moment or drink the bottle of wine you've been saving for a special moment. Have the party. You know, all of that. I have really appreciated all of the live for today messaging that this pandemic has wrought. [Laughs]
Aminatou: Oh I've definitely drank all the wine and the champagne I was saving and let me tell you that was the best decision I made this year.
Ann: That was like April. [Laughter]
Aminatou: Yeah it's like me watching Tiger King drinking hundreds of dollars' worth of wine.
Ann: I don't know. I don't know.
Aminatou: Here we go. Here we go. Maybe we'll have a book party. We'll do all the things. But, you know, it's also fine. There is like a really good catharsis to complaining about all of this but if I am also really honest there are some pandemic things that I think have been really meaningful to me. And I appreciate the daily reminder that the busyness of the past life is total bullshit. Like okay, actually we fill -- or rather I will only sleep with me -- I fill my life with calendar events and reasons to be busy and it's actually been really nice to be home this year, you know?
(10:20)
Ann: Yeah. I was texting with a friend recently about how 2020 has been a year that it's not been the worst year of my life, like on a personal level. You and I published this book. We did this incredible thing. There have been many, many great and sweet moments of connection that I've had with people I care about, life milestones, great stuff you know? And I think trying to hold that alongside everything that has been difficult and also just plain weird about this year makes having some kind of conversation about what did the past 12 months mean just feel wholly impossible. It is impossible every year as we always point out but even more impossible this year. It just seems so dumb to arbitrarily try to sum up the last several months of my life, like what is even the point?
Aminatou: Yeah. I mean for me it's definitely been my healthiest year in over a decade and that is so wild that it's in the backdrop of a global pandemic, you know?
Ann: Right, right. Yeah.
Aminatou: Like I haven't even had a common cold this year. That is a lifestyle I would like to take into the future. I'm like please keep washing your hands. Please keep masking. Please keep staying away from each other. Did you know you could just live life with never having a cold? It's beautiful.
Ann: Oh of course I have had a cold in 2020 so who knows where that came from? I was like yeah.
Aminatou: Wow. I am really trying to not judge but this is hard. [Laughs] But you know at the same time I think that part of what has been so intense about this year is being really confronted for me with my own privilege, you know? Because it's really easy to be confronted with all of the ways that you're marginalized. I'm like oh yeah, I could rattle those off for days and frankly the pandemic has really exposed the wrought at the heart of the American system and the heart of just so many things that are awful.
(12:20)
But at the same time it is this really intense exploration and understanding of oh, like even in your own small community, you know, there are people who have and there are people who have not. And even the fact that we can sit here and just, you know, talk about birthdays and how it's not been the hardest year of our lives and blah, blah, blah. I was like that is also such a -- that is . . . that is really making my mind spin you know? Because it has been such an unprecedented year of suffering for so many people around the world and trying to hold all of those truths is also . . . I think for me is very bewildering and it's very hard and, you know, and some of it is also just very painful because what a fucking year we've had.
Ann: I know. I know. And a lot of it for me too has meant, you know, really trying to keep that truth present because as you say it's like yes people who I am in community with are having hands down one of the worst years of their lives right? It is not a mixed bag for them. Things are really very, very difficult and bleak and systemically they have been completely failed right? Like everything that we are supposed to be doing collectively to support everyone in our community, we're not doing it.
And I think for me really confronting the gap between what I am able to do as an individual, the ways I'm able to take all of the privilege and luck and resource that I have and put it back in, like the limitations of that honestly in such a systemically flawed and failing society is something that I'm still working through. And the idea of like, you know, there is no singular right choice I can make to account for that fact when we are talking about any issue is really difficult.
(14:25)
You know, this idea of oh, I can make piecemeal, smaller, better choices. I can make investments of my time and money and resources but at the end of the day this is a collective failure and it requires collective solutions. Holding those truths together both through the pandemic, also through a summer of Black Lives Matter protests, also through the economic devastation and what's happening to people who are not in comfortable salaried, secure jobs, all of that stuff is really, I don't know, it's not that it wasn't top-of-mind in previous years. It's just that you're 100 percent correct that it kind of grows ever starker as something that I am both continuing to work on and think about and also feeling wholly, wholly ill-equipped to address.
Aminatou: Well let's take a break. [Laughs] I don't know where to go from there.
Ann: There is nowhere to go from there. There is no "And here's the tip. Here's the way I've found to combat systemic inequality and feel okay with the fact that I'm one of the winners in a deeply fucked up system." There's no here's a quick tip, you know? Ugh. What else do we have to talk about?
(16:15)
Aminatou: I don't know, I'm still on break mentally. [Laughs]
Ann: Okay, so if we acknowledge that this is in fact some moment of transition, like maybe it's from a calendar year to another calendar year. Maybe it's just one side of a work break to another. We don't have to get into specifics. What is something that you want to carry with you to the other side?
Aminatou: Oh man, was not prepared for the deep question even though I knew it was coming but the way that you said it just makes me feel like I can't say something superficial. [Sighs] Hmm. Okay, well two things. The first thing that I really want to carry -- here's my superficial one, and it's not really that superficial so maybe it'll actually just be my one thing. I think I've talked about this on the podcast before. I started doing this Couch to 5K running program this year and it's truly for people who have never run before which is 100 percent me. The last time I ran I'm pretty sure it was the mile for the presidential fitness test, you know what I'm talking about? A test that they should not make high schoolers take but anyone who wants to run for president should have to take. That's how I feel about the presidential fitness test.
Ann: Oh man, I still have trauma from the V-sit. Did you have to do the V-sit part of it?
Aminatou: What is a V-sit?
Ann: Oh my god, it was basically like you have to sit in . . . you have to sit on the ground with your legs in like a V shape and see how far you can lean. It was a flexibility test. And for me, the least flexible human of all time, I barely hinge. That was like . . . you know, the montage of me doing presidents' physical fitness is like me hanging with noodle arms from the pull-up bar. Like me barely sitting upright at the V-sit, like me walking the mile. That's what the montage looks like.
(18:05)
Aminatou: I mean it's truly . . . the way they do P.E. in high school is just cruel and truly this ties into my running journey. The way that I have learned to explore fitness for myself this year, if this is how P.E. had been taught to me when I was a teenager it would not have been a source of shame and pain and just humiliation. Like high school P.E. is just cruel and we should stop doing it the way we're doing it, or at least the way that they did it at my school. I don't know how they're doing it today.
But anyway I started this Couch to 5K running program. It really is like you walk then you run, whatever. There's a million apps to do it. Don't pay a single dollar for an app to do this unless you really want the pluses. All that happens is someone in your ear tells you like run or walk. My favorite app is the one that is run by the NHS in the UK because that voice is British and it's iconic every single time.
Ann: Does it say run, walk, alight here? What does it say?
Aminatou: Yeah, it just says . . . I'm not going to do a British accent because that's, you know . . .
Ann: I'm baiting you. I'm baiting you.
Aminatou: It's not nice. But it just says like run, walk in a very nice British voice. And there's like a million of these apps, and like I said do not pay money for one. Just do the thing. So it's three times a week you run until you can run a 5K. And I was highly dubious and skeptical that this thing would work because rewind to presidential fitness test disaster and I'm not going to lie to you for me it's been really hard but it's also been kind of fun which has been surprising. And more than anything it's my 30 minutes, three days a week, where all I think about is the next step I'm going to take.
(19:52)
A friend of mine who is a very serious runner told me, you know -- you know how the fitness people always have the cheesiest quotes? They're always like every . . . you know, what's that Wayne Gretzky quote that they're always telling you in school? You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take, like that stuff. Nobody is cheesier than someone who knows sports quotes and I'm always perpetually rolling my eyes at them. But this friend told me, who's a very serious runner, he was like "Listen, even when I'm running . . ." He's a serious marathoner and he's like "Even when I'm running all these marathons I'm only ever running one mile at a time." He was like all you have to focus on is one mile and the time somehow goes by faster or goes by easier and you're not losing it completely.
This person is kind of a liar because it's hard for me at least but I've really taken that mindset to heart of like okay, every time I bundle up because it's so cold right now, shout-out to your sister who gave me the best recommendation of layers, is take it one mile at a time and I'm usually out of my house between 30 and 45 minutes three times a week trying to get this run in. And it has done wonders for my mental health. It has done wonders for my own sense of tiny accomplishments, like I don't remember the last time that I really could not do something and then I have seen myself genuinely get better at it even though I'm still so bad, and it makes me feel like I want to keep doing it and that is a . . . like I don't ever want to be someone who calls myself a runner because those people, I don't want to join those ranks, but I really want to feel that I can do this three times a week for a really long time in my life. And it's such a good personal time and for that tiny amount of time I always forget that we're in this nightmare pandemic moment. It has been really meaningful time for me.
You know, obviously I don't have kids. [Laughs] I don't have big demands in my life that take up my time in the specific ways that people who perhaps with family are. But I genuinely think that carving out even the tiniest moment of time just for yourself where you can think about something that is about your own discipline versus just everything else that is around you, that that is time that's very precious and it doesn't have to be running for everyone. I'm like it literally could be anything and I really want that for everyone I know, for them to just have these moments where you're like okay, I'm just trying to get better at something and even if I'm not the best at it I genuinely enjoy the time I spend doing it.
(22:50)
And I don't know, and for someone like me who is very anxious and always stressed out about . . . like I get really stressed out when I'm in these deep mental health holes and I have days where I do nothing, the like zero days where you do nothing at all. There is something really nice about knowing that if you do even just one tiny thing it doesn't have to be meaningful that day but over the course of your lifetime it really adds up to improvement. And that has been a good mindset shift for me and I'm like sure, never going to run a marathon but 100 percent can move my body a little bit every day and it makes me feel better and I really appreciate the alone time that it brings me. So that's my thing that I want to take into the new year.
Ann: I have a question for you, do you run in a mask?
Aminatou: Yes. So I run in a mask.
Ann: Because that always seemed very hard for me when you're breathing heavily, like I always wonder about people who exercise . . . yeah?
Aminatou: In the summer it sucks. I've tried every single mask combination. I will say the fitness companies are making masks that are a little nicer, so like Adidas, Nike, Under Armor, whatever. I've tried all of them. In the summer it was really awful and I will not lie to you that sometimes I look around and if there's no one else on the trail next to me I will take my mask off and just breathe because I can't handle it. And I notice that other people who are running are doing it too. But in the winter here has been the twist: your own nasty breath warms you up and so having the mask on in the winter is the reverse where it's like I want to live inside this mask. It's disgusting but it is warm.
(24:35)
Ann: That feels like a metaphor for pandemic survival. She was warmed by her own breath, like fully.
Aminatou: [Laughs] It's so sick. The logistics of it are maddening but it's fine. And I notice a lot of people run without masks, or I notice the people who do what I do where they will take them off and then the minute someone else gets too close they will put the mask back on and it's totally fine. It's annoying but trust me you're worried about 100 other things so I like to complain about the mask but at the end of the day the mask is not the reason I'm going faster or slower.
Ann: Hmm. I love that. My thing for -- I don't know, the thing I will be taking from this pandemic into the future is this year is what it took for me to become a meal planner, like a true, undevoted meal planner.
Aminatou: [Laughs]
Ann: Okay, some of this is about self-concept. I like to think of myself as a kitchen freestyler. I'm like nothing brings me more joy than like I have one bag of some vegetable that's about to expire. I have my normal pantry stock and I have made an incredible, delicious meal. It feels like magic to me, you know? When people describe making bread or whatever as like oh my god, I made something out of nothing, that is how I feel with my last ditch, thrown together meals.
(25:55)
Which is to say I like a recipe as a suggestion but historically have not really been into what am I cooking this week? However I feel like the doldrums of every meal is more or less the same in that it's eating at home with only the people who live in my home, it's not some event, it's got much more of a routinized chore vibe for me than it has in the past.
And so the idea of okay, I'm actually going to pick five or six recipes, I'm going to shop for these five or six recipes, and I'm going to put them all in a note and select from the note. So it's all in the app, I pick from the app as if it is a menu. And I have to say that it has been a good way to enforce eating different things for me. It has been a real departure from my normal free-styling. And also I think it has resulted in less waste, you know? If you're just winging it some things are going to fall between the cracks whereas if you're really planning it everything has its place in a meal. So that has been one big shift for me and I have my whole process of I save my recipes. They're on a Pinterest board so I can look at photos, then I translate those to a shopping list and I duplicate it in a meal prep dock. It's got all of the supporting system for it. But yeah, I really . . . I think I'm going to be a meal planning person going forward.
(27:25)
Aminatou: Whatever it takes, man. Whatever it takes. Tell me.
Ann: No, then I have one more too because I feel like -- it's so 101. I really wish I had something interesting to tell you about that I pioneered this year but I really am not a pioneer in any way, shape, or form in 2020. The other thing I did is I have replaced many of my recurring purchased with black-owned businesses because one frustration I have is I love seeing compiled lists of here are black-owned businesses that make beautiful gift items or like make clothing or things that make for a treat to self or a really nice present for someone else. But when I look at where I spend my money I'm giving my money to people who are making coffee and household products and things that I just use no matter what else is happening in my world regardless of a special moment.
And so I really made an effort this year to go through a lot of those lists that people put together of hey, here are some great black-owned businesses and be like how can I setup a recurring subscription or making this business part of my ongoing spending routine? And that has also been great. It has yielded so many new products that I would have not found otherwise. So yeah, that's my other taking it into 2021.
(28:50)
Aminatou: I love this. I love this. I am still doing my Christmas shopping for the people on my list so I feel that my next two weeks will be that because I probably will get done Christmas shopping on Christmas day. Then I'm going to do . . . or I'm going to do nothing and really just rest and relax away from the computer, away from the phone. I'm trying to plan out all of my newsletter posts and all the content I need to churn out now so it's just sending. How are you going to be spending your next two weeks?
Ann: I mean that's a good question. I am probably going to be settling. I just moved so I will be settling into where do I keep things in my linen closet? I recently peeled off all the old shelf paper and am going to replace it. Dumb stuff like that that feels not relaxing in front of the TV relaxing but also a kind of restorative, away from work concentrating on something small. I'm sure I will do a not insignificant amount of sewing while half-watching TV I'm not that interested in which is a favorite pastime as you know. And yeah, I don't know, eating. I make these spiced nuts every Christmas. I'm really excited to make my nuts this year. I'm really like . . . I'm going to be eating my almonds glazed with maple and rosemary and cayenne and sewing and watching TV. That's the image.
Aminatou: Iconic Ann Friedman image. I'm so into this for you.
Ann: Spiced Nuts is also a rom-com I would be happy to costar in.
Aminatou: Listen, you've got it. Well happy holidays Ann Friedman. Happy holidays to Gina Delvac who puts this show together with so much love every single week. Happy holidays to everyone else on Team CYG, Brijae, Jordan, Laura, and Carly Anse (?). You really keep this place together and we could not do it without you and I just feel really lucky that I get to work with every single one of you every week.
Ann: It's true. It's true. Speaking of people we're taking into 2021 with us, all of these amazing humans. And yeah, I will see you on the Internet in a new Gregorian calendar year.
Aminatou: [Laughs] See you in January! Where we get to do this all over again. Countdown to the vaccine. I will see you . . .
Ann: My god, I pictured . . .
Aminatou: I have never been excited for an injection before but I am so thrilled. I was like tell me where to line up. I don't care if we take it then we sound like dolphins for a couple days because it doesn't work, I just want to feel like we did something so let's do it.
Ann: I'm in line with you. Well rather not with you but I'm in line so I can be with you. That's where I'm at.
Aminatou: [Laughs] Happy holidays. You can find us many places on the Internet: callyourgirlfriend.com, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, we're on all your favorite platforms. Subscribe, rate, review, you know the drill. You can call us back. You can leave a voicemail at 714-681-2943. That's 714-681-CYGF. You can email us at callyrgf@gmail.com. Our theme song is by Robyn, original music composed by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. We're on Instagram and Twitter at @callyrgf. Our producer is Jordan Bailey and this podcast is produced by Gina Delvac.