Too Woke

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1/22/16 - An update on Y'all Qaeda. Ivanka endorses her dad and we seek an unassailable Trump. Sean Penn’s soul patch is so gross but El Chapo’s shirt is amazing. Plus, the Great British Bakeoff, our brief Bravolebrity moment and January gift problems.

Transcript below.

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CREDITS

Producer: Gina Delvac

Hosts: Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman

Theme song: Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn

LINKS

Pop culture podcast you need in your life: Who Weekly from the mad minds of Lindsey Weber and Bobby Finger

Vanilla ISIS is angry about getting so many dildos in the mail so started talking to the FBI

Ivanka endorses her dad

Bravolebrities

🔑  gift



TRANSCRIPT: TOO WOKE

Together: Welcome to Call Your Girlfriend, a podcast for long-distance besties everywhere.

Aminatou: I'm Aminatou Sow.

Ann: I'm Ann Friedman. We're in a room together. [Laughs]

Aminatou: We are. It's very weird being in a room together.

Ann: It's really awkward.

Aminatou: I know. You know, the other weird thing is Gina's also in this room which never happens.

Ann: Gina had to remove her large jewelry so it would not interfere with our recording, which also -- Amina too. Oh my god, you guys both removed your jewelry.

Aminatou: You know I like roll accessories.

Ann: I know. I know. I'm on vacation, not wearing jewels. On this week's agenda, a militia update featuring lots of dildos, Ivanka's endorsement of her dad -- we weep -- Sean Penn's goatee and ethical drugs, a TV roundup, and January gift problems.

[Theme Song]

Ann: Anyway, what's going on?

Aminatou: I listened to a new podcast today from our friends Lindsey and Bobby.

Ann: Oh man, I got this notice but I have not listened to it yet.

Aminatou: Ann, it's so good. It's called Who? Weekly and it's your new favorite pop culture podcast.

Ann: I was a fan of the Email Newsletter, now defunct.

Aminatou: I know. Bobby, Lindsey, bring back the newsletter but keep the podcast also. All of the pop culture that we miss on this show, which is all of it, they will cover for you.

Ann: Slash for people like me who don't watch any reality TV and feel very alienated from society when we see tabloid covers, they explain it all.

Aminatou: It's like if you read Us Weekly and weekly tabloids like some of us this is just a delight. Okay. Moving on, that's our shine theory segment.

Ann: I mean also -- I was going to say check in. Check in with the Oregon . . .

Aminatou: Militia. [Laughs]

Ann: Vanilla ISIS.

(1:55)

Aminatou: The Al Qaeda update? So the last time I checked in on the Al Qaeda some very smart and funny Internet people had sent them dildos instead of the food list that they had requested.

Ann: Okay, so I also saw this headline and laughed heartily. However are they really that smart if they're sending their sex toys away to the Oregon militia rather than using them for their own pleasure?

Aminatou: Ann, so I thought about this a lot and I was really conflicted.

Ann: [Laughs]

Aminatou: I am 100% happy with people not sending them snacks and sending them shit they can't use and things that they're disgusted by. I feel like it's, you know . . . it's like to those people if you want to start a GoFundMe so we can all pitch in and reimburse you I would be down.

Ann: Man, would not spend my money on that but I respect the effort. Also someone sent like 55 gallon drums of lube as well.

Aminatou: [Laughs] Listen, some people have a lot of money and love to spend money on that kind of stuff. I support it.

Ann: But don't you think they'll find a way to use that to ruin this wildlife preserve?

Aminatou: No, I'm 100% convinced they will not know what to do with lube.

Ann: Oh man. I just feel like the possibilities . . . some of us watched Old School on TBS last night while they were trying to fall asleep and the possibilities with a drum of lube, I don't know, they could get up to some broey activities in there.

Aminatou: Oh my god. My favorite is the couple of ladies who are in there who on the shopping list were obviously like menstrual pads, tampons. And I'm like who gets caught dead in a militia without your own tampons?

Ann: We're in the same room together so I'm just shaking my head in disappointment. I don't even have to articulate it verbally. [Laughs]

Aminatou: Yeah. I'm like these ladies are ridiculous. Good luck. Barack Obama's going to let them rot in the thing. That's what's going to happen.

Ann: I feel like this is one of those things that in a year we'll listen back and be like militia? What?

Aminatou: You know, I hope to never speak of Oregon on this podcast again.

Ann: Oh stop. Come on now.

Aminatou: [Laughs]

[Music]

(3:55)

Ann: Other things that are annoying us.

Aminatou: Other things? What is annoying us today?

Ann: Sean Penn soul patch.

Aminatou: Sean Penn soul patch is disgusting. How did you see Sean Penn soul patch? Where did you see it recently in the wild?

Ann: I was waiting -- there was a very . . . I was with some other ladies and we had a very long wait for a table at a restaurant last night and we were drinking many drinks while waiting for that table and watching . . . was it 60 Minutes? Is that . . .

Aminatou: Charlie Rose. Charlie Rose.

Ann: Charlie Rose. I don't know. Watching some TV on mute and he was talking about his foray into professions for which he is not trained. It was just really, really huge on the screen and sometimes that's not what you want when you're hungry.

Aminatou: I know. So I actually watched the interview and it's maybe the comedy moment of January honestly. Quote Sean Penn, "I am disappointed that this story has become about me [Laughs] and not about the drug war in Mexico." Because Sean Penn is under some sort of delusion that that's what he wrote about, the drug war in Mexico.

Ann: He was like the fact that I clearly insisted that I be the one to go write about this and now I'm shocked.

Aminatou: This whole story is kind of my favorite. It's like Sean Penn going to visit El Chapo, facilitated by Kate Castillo who is an actress that I love because she always plays drug lords. It's excellent because it's just like they think that what they act is who they actually are and I'm like no, that's not how it works. And I love that that's how the police found El Chapo because they were like follow the gringo into the jungle and they found him. But they found El Chapo in the most banging-ass, amazing silk shirt.

Ann: Oh my gosh, selling out everywhere.

Aminatou: I know, from a store called Barabas. I Googled it. It's over $100 which I don't feel good buying.

Ann: But is it 100% silk?

Aminatou: For that price -- no, it's like viscose. It's just some shiny shit. But my favorite was the owners of the store, they were so excited. They were just like "He could have Gucci. He could have Dolce Gabbana. He could've bought anything but instead he was wearing our shirt."

Ann: Our viscose shirt.

(6:10)

Aminatou: [Laughs] He was wearing our shirt to do his interview that sunk him. And I was like you know what? Somebody is doing well from this interview because Sean Penn's a piece of shit because El Chapo killed thousands of people and he didn't address that. And I'm like don't . . . stop lionizing a fucking drug dealer.

Ann: An insight into your feminism that Kate Castillo was not mentioned in the piece of shit rundown.

Aminatou: Because Kate Castillo's a foreign exchange student. I'm like I just . . .

Ann: Not in Mexico she's not!

Aminatou: Also she's a US citizen. Shout out Kate Castillo. Kate Castillo, also a bad person, but you know, I'm just like Sean Penn's more of a bad person.

Ann: Sean Penn is a lot easier to hate. Kate Castillo is not gratuitously describing her genitals during this.

Aminatou: It's true. It's just that this whole thing . . . I was going to ask you if you've watched the Netflix show Narcos but I know the answer.

Ann: Obviously not. 

Aminatou: As you have not watched Narcos there are many parallels to this, like journalist lady who helps the drug lord Pablo Escobar a.k.a Pablito had one, and so Kate Castillo, I'm like you're an actress. Have some respect. Act like you've been here before.

Ann: Nope.

Aminatou: Don't do this. So yeah, but you should all watch her TV show La Reina del Sur. It's amazing. I'm so disappointed in her, but Sean Penn, ultimate fucking piece of shit.

Ann: Speaking of creeps, just like such a creep.

Aminatou: I know. Long-time creep.

Ann: Long-time creep. If it were a woman, like if it were a woman actor who had sort of gotten into this position which let's be real it probably wouldn't go down like that, I think I would sort of guess that it was like oh, you know, you're of an age where it's hard for you to get substantive roles so you're working on another career as an out or you are expanding into geopolitics.

Aminatou: [Laughs] It's like oh, you can start a newsletter or you can expand into geopolitics.

Ann: You can start a style brand or you can get into geopolitics immediately. But because it's just like your standard issue creep it's definitely all about the ego.

(7:55)

Aminatou: I don't even know that facilitating a hangout with El Chapo counts as geopolitics.

Ann: Oh, come on, it totally does.

Aminatou: I don't know, man. It just . . .

Ann: The US government is legitimately interested in that.

Aminatou: I just feel like everybody involved should go to jail. Like El Chapo, Sean Penn. Just put Sean Penn in jail for all his past crimes.

Ann: Yeah.

Aminatou: Including making Charlize feel bad about ghosting on him.

Ann: Oh my god, can we also talk about -- we have not discussed this -- the handshake photo and how he clearly art directed it himself? Get my good side. Get my good side.

Aminatou: Oh, 100%. Also did you read the article?

Ann: Yes.

Aminatou: It's all about him farting, and I was like who edited this, number one? Rolling Stone is such a shameful place to be writing at right now. They're just like everything is bad. But this was especially egregious because they were like -- they gave El Chapo the option to sign off on it.

Ann: Pre-approve, yeah.

Aminatou: I'm like the man don't speak English. That's crazy. Oh, actually pause, the best detail of all of this is when they doxxed El Chapo's phone, or they dumped it. He didn't know who the fuck Sean Penn was.

Ann: Oh, but this is the role that Kate felt. She was like "Listen, he's a big deal."

Aminatou: Yeah, but not really. The text messages were amazing. It was like "Hey, it's this American actor." It was like "Who?" It was like "Sean Penn." It was like "Have I seen anything he's in?" "Yeah." And he was like "What year?" and it was like 2005.

Ann: Ooh.

Aminatou: And I was like no, it's amazing.

Ann: The burn came from El Chapo.

Aminatou: No, it's amazing. It was like William . . . we could've sent like William Sean Penn over there and they wouldn't have known the difference so that made me really happy. Shout out El Chapo. Hope you rot in jail. Also I hope they actually extradite him. No shade to Mexico but they can't keep prisoners over there. Come to here. We are very good at that.

Ann: Yes, unfortch.

Aminatou: Can you tell how much I hate drug dealers?

Ann: I can tell.

Aminatou: I hate cartels. I hate drug dealers. I'm just like you're the scum of the earth. I don't buy your Robin Hood shit.

Ann: I feel like it's a hard position to take if you enjoy smoking drugs in America.

Aminatou: I only smoke one drug.

Ann: You source all your drugs?

Aminatou: First of all I only smoke one drug.

Ann: I mean I know. That was plural, but you know.

(9:52)

Aminatou: I know. But like, you know, most of my marijuana does not come from El Chapo. I feel confident about that.

Ann: I feel secure as of late in saying the same but . . .

Aminatou: I know, because we live in California.

Ann: I know, but I'm just saying this was not always -- I feel like my record is not clean on this is what I'm trying to say.

Aminatou: So you're saying all the skunk weed that you've smoked in other places . . .

Ann: Exactly.

Aminatou: Would've come from El Chapo? [Laughs]

Ann: That's -- possibly. I don't know. I didn't source that shit.

Aminatou: I don't know. After watching Narcos I'm fully confident those guys are into cocaine which if you do cocaine and you feel bad about it you should.

Ann: No, I don't really understand cocaine.

Aminatou: Can I explain it to you? I understand it now. I didn't understand it at all.

Ann: Wait, when did you learn about it?

Aminatou: I learned about cocaine very recently. Here's the thing about cocaine. It was like you know when you're hanging out with people and they feel really sexy and so on top of the world but they look like shit?

Ann: [Laughs]

Aminatou: And I always thought those people were extra-drunk. It's like no, it's cocaine! I was like they're out of their -- yeah, it's like the sweatiest person and they're trying to dance up on you and I'm like what? Like you think you can step up to me? Like no. And I was like oh, that's what cocaine is.

Ann: I feel like there are people on other drugs where I witness them being on those drugs and I'm just like that seems kind of cool. Or you're having an experience.

Aminatou: Yeah, cocaine's the opposite of cool.

Ann: Never once have I been around someone who is completely coked up and been like "That seems awesome. I want to do that."

Aminatou: I know. I'd rather bathe in a tub of heroin than do cocaine. It's like those people are the most obnoxious people in the world. It's because it's an upper.

Ann: Sorry, my mind is still back at heroin bath. I'm like I did not . . .

Aminatou: No, I'm just like it's the uppers and I was like I can't handle people that are on any kind of uppers. And I was like oh, this is what's going on.

Ann: Sure.

Aminatou: But now that I know, I'm not going to lie, my primary care physician had to explain a lot of this to me so it's perfect. Thanks Dr. Natalia.

Ann: [Laughs] Explain to you what kind of drugs you actually like.

Aminatou: Yeah, I was like "Here's what's going on," and she was like "Yeah, that's definitely cocaine."

Ann: She's like you're into depressants.

Aminatou: It's true. I have a lot of energy.

Ann: Yeah, I feel like I'm better when I'm talking less in a social situation.

Aminatou: Oh man, can I tell you about those green hornet edibles that you gave me?

Ann: Did you use carefully?

(11:56)

Aminatou: Okay, so I thought a half was careful.

Ann: Nibble. Did I not tell you nibble?

Aminatou: No, you did not tell me.

Ann: I said nibble. I swear to god I said nibble.

Aminatou: Ann, if I had heard you pronounce the word nibble, because I'm laughing right now, I'd remember.

Ann: I said just the corner at a time.

Aminatou: No. This was like a brick of gummy.

Ann: Right. That's -- you don't eat the whole gummy.

Aminatou: No. I mean I didn't eat the whole thing, but it's still like . . . it was tough.

Ann: We know that the green hornet gummy did not come from El Chapo. [Laughs]

Aminatou: [Laughs] yeah, El Chapo's exclusively selling gummy products.

Ann: Wouldn't that be incredible? The trade has evolved.

Aminatou: A cocaine gummy, heroin gummy. What else?

[Ads]

(15:22)

Aminatou: Oh man, another thing you're not watching but I feel like you should investigate on a sick day is Degrassi: The New Class. It's too woke. It's honestly too woke. There was a consent episode that blew my mind. There was a feminist episode where somebody got swatted and they're Canadian so it's so great.

Ann: Do you have this thing though? Sometimes I have this thing where it shows align too closely with my politics then I am skeptical about the quality. Like I have this reverse thing where like . . .

Aminatou: The quality is flames.

Ann: Okay.

Aminatou: It's so good. But it's also I was like oh, this is where all the social justice warriors are making TV. They're making it in Canada. There was a masturbation episode and this girl's embarrassed that her vibrator's out and the teacher just goes -- she goes "There's nothing to be embarrassed about," and nobody makes fun of her.

(16:06)

Ann: Unless you're an Oregon militiaman.

Aminatou: Yeah. I was like this is not what would happen in Degrassi America. Like no way.

Ann: Yeah, she'd be shamed instantly.

Aminatou: It's so woke. Investigate on a sick day. Also the titles are hashtags, #notallmen.

Ann: No! No!

Aminatou: Yes. #notallmen. Social justice warrior Internet content, and I was there for every minute.

Ann: For the Tumblr generation.

Aminatou: For the Tumblr generation. Man, those Canadians.

Ann: Man, so you watched every episode?

Aminatou: I mean essentially, and Great British Bake Off.

Ann: Okay.

Aminatou: Which I had already seen, but watching, you know . . .

Ann: It's easy.

Aminatou: Yeah. Also introduced some new people to it which was very . . .

Ann: It's very satisfying to introduce people to that show.

Aminatou: To introduce people to it because it's like taking a Xanax all together and you just get so emotional. Everybody fell in love with Martha, 17-year-old Martha. Mary Berry is so hot. Everything was great.

Ann: We already talked about Mary Berry didn't we? Did we already talk about Bake Off?

Aminatou: I don't think so. We've never talked about Bake Off on this show.

Ann: Bake Off is something I can feel great about it because I started watching it before most Americans which is something I can never, ever say. Other people in this room can say that a lot.

Aminatou: Real talk.

Ann: But let me tell you it feels pretty good to say "Oh, you mean episode one in America, episode five in Britain? Is that what you mean?"

Aminatou: Yeah, because you were there for Baked Alaska controversy.

Ann: I was there for the Baked Alaska controversy in the summer of 2013. I don't know, maybe this is vestiges of British colonialism or something where I'm like I just feel so safe and like someone's in charge when I watch that show. It's like nothing crazy is going to happen but some light drama. And also the illustration's very calming.

Aminatou: Well here's the thing: it's because nothing's at stake. It's like re-watching it especially I was like man, Padma and Gail and Tom would destroy these people.

Ann: Sure.

Aminatou: Also somebody in my group asked the best question -- thank you, Joe -- who said "Are the British known for their desserts?" And I burst out loud laughing because the British do think that they're known for their desserts.

(17:58)

Ann: Oh, they love to say that to themselves.

Aminatou: In continental Europe we love to trash their desserts. So, you know, I'm like I can fuck with the sticky toffee pudding every once in a while.

Ann: Victoria sponge.

Aminatou: Jaffa cake, shout out.

Ann: [Laughs]

Aminatou: You know, British desserts are trash.

Ann: Some biscuits. Some biscuits.

Aminatou: Some biscuits. Google it. British biscuit, American biscuit, two different things. The rest of it is just trash garbage or they're continental desserts that they change or because now they have a sizable Indian population they're like "Throw some mango on it." It's the worst.

Ann: You know, I feel like they still are like "Oh, this is interesting. Mango-flavored? Okay. Okay."

Aminatou: Yeah.

Ann: It's like still not an accepted flavor profile.

Aminatou: Yeah. The two fruits that colonialism brought to Britain were mango and passion fruit and they're wild about it. But anyway, so all the desserts are trash. The presentation is always garbage. It's like the most devastating thing somebody on there will tell you is "I'm not too keen on the flavor," and I'm just like that is so nice, or they're like "Presentation is bad. The cake's falling part. It's under-cooked. Good job!"

Ann: Under-baked. A bit under-baked.

Aminatou: Yeah, and they're like "Good job!" And then I'm like hmm, Padma would've sent you packing. Like please pack your knives and go.

Ann: Oh my god, call back, remember the time we saw Padma IRL?

Aminatou: Um, and her assistant named Ocean?

Ann: Oh my god.

Aminatou: Yeah. Ann and I, for the audience, Ann and I were Bravolebrities for like a minute. It was . . .

Ann: For actually probably about 15 seconds or less.

Aminatou: Except Ocean took a shine to us and he was like "Walk in front of that camera. Walk again."

Ann: Wait, wait, back up. So when Amina and I both lived in D.C. it was what season?

Aminatou: It was the D.C. season, maybe 10? 11? Unclear? It was the D.C. season. The only one.

Ann: Right. Yeah. And they had like -- it was the very first episode, right? I believe it was . . .

(19:45)

Aminatou: Yeah, we were the opening episode. I got tickets through this ridiculous thing to go to Bravo, to go be a Bravolebrity and eat a lot of food surrounded by young professionals.

Ann: Oh my god, that's right. It was a young professionals event.

Aminatou: They wanted young professionals.

Ann: That was the conceit. Oh my god, yeah.

Aminatou: And we all skipped work to be young professionals.

Ann: That's right, and I was like I had nothing to wear. Yeah.

Aminatou: Yeah, because they were like "Wear bright colors." And we were like please, we're going to get onscreen for sure.

Ann: Oh my god, that was also when I had baby bangs for like three months.

Aminatou: Yeah, those were tough days.

Ann: Tough days.

Aminatou: But you know what? You pulled it off very well. One of the chefs had a cocktail which is such a mistake and we just kept drinking that. We drank so much cocktail because Ann's a vegetarian and couldn't fuck with a lot of the weird shit, even though you did. I was proud of you. You ate a lot of fish.

Ann: I ate something wrapped in some other meat.

Aminatou: We also ate so many foams.

Ann: Oh yeah! Everyone was really trying to show . . .

Aminatou: Yeah, foams were new back then in the early 2010s.

Ann: But then I also remember they were doing some interviews with the fake young professional guests and nobody wanted to interview us on camera except for Ocean who was like "Walk back-and-forth. Just be in the background."

Aminatou: "Just be in the background." Yeah.

Ann: So there's like a tiny screen grab. There's like a screen grab. of ten seconds of us behind Padma's ear.

Aminatou: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's on my Tumblr, just the screenshot of the back of our heads, and I'm like "Headline Bravolebrities!" [Laughs]

Ann: Ugh. Until we get our own show.

Aminatou: Andy Cohen call us. [Laughs] I don't know that I want my own show. I just want to go on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen. Somebody who works at Bravo listens to this show. Make it happen.

Ann: There you go.

[Music]

Ann: Okay, let's talk about Ivanka and how she has formally started campaigning for her dad.

Aminatou: You know, it's like on one hand I feel for people who come from difficult families. I'm the child of one of them and I'm like you can't be held accountable for what your dad does.

Ann: But you can be held accountable for the commercial you appear in.

Aminatou: Exactly. But now that she's formally joined I'm just like no, Ivanka! We've been talking to her this whole time. She's clearly not listening.

Ann: Dear Ivanka.

Aminatou: Dear Ivanka. [Laughs]

[Clip Starts]

Ivanka: Hello, I'm Ivanka Trump. When I was a young girl my father, Donald Trump, always told me that I could do anything that I set my mind to if I coupled vision with determination and hard work. He meant it.

[Clip Ends]

(22:18)

Ann: Okay, I have to say he meant it because she really can do anything she puts her mind to because she is the daughter of a rich person who is the son of rich people. Real talk. Not saying Ivanka doesn't work hard but . . .

Aminatou: No, she does work hard. I feel like he did as good of a job as he could. I'm like Ivanka, your dad is offensive to even you and your own marriage and your own family. You know what's up.

[Clip Starts]

Ivanka: I consider myself fortunate to have learned from the best both as an entrepreneur and most importantly a parent.

Ann: [Laughs]

Ivanka: My father is a man who is deeply grounded in tradition. He raised my siblings and me to work hard . . .

Aminatou: You believe that?

Ann: Traditional architecture in all of his hotels.

Ivanka: And strive. He taught us to inspire and gain respect in life and in business you have to earn it.

Ann: The tradition -- what traditions?

Ivanka: He has done just that over decades and achieved success at the highest level across multiple industries.

[Clip Ends]

Ann: [Laughs] Multi-industry success.

Aminatou: Also, okay, we're going to have to real talk Ivanka right here. First of all I love Donald Trump. That man builds a great hotel when he's not licensing the rest of them. So that's like one point. Also . . .

Ann: You just said "I love Donald Trump."

Aminatou: I love his hotel work.

Ann: Okay, we're just make sure the noun is "I love his hotels."

Aminatou: Okay, I will repeat that. I love Trump hotels.

Ann: Ivanka's dad's hotels.

Aminatou: I love Ivanka's dad's hotels. But like he's not even a good businessman, so first of all, his dad gave him a million dollar loan when he was coming up and he complained about how his dad gave him a tiny, tiny . . .

Ann: You have to earn it.

Aminatou: You have to earn it. But also if he had just let his money sit in the bank and was just like a dilettante he would be richer now than he is with his shitty investments. I'm like Donald, call me. And then the rest of the businesses, it's essentially just licensing. He doesn't do anything.

Ann: Set it and forget it.

(24:00)

Aminatou: [Sighs] Ivanka, don't do this. It's going to . . . major damage to her shoe line.

Ann: I know. I feel like this is the point at which we have to just throw up our hands and it's just like -- this is the point at which the hotel family is over.

Aminatou: I mean Eric's been over.

Ann: That's what I mean. She was the last holdout.

Aminatou: No, I like Barron.

Ann: What?

Aminatou: The baby one? Please, he's innocent. His loafer game is untouchable.

Ann: I don't know if he's innocent.

Aminatou: He's nine, Ann. [Laughs]

Ann: I bet I can find something to indict him for.

Aminatou: Like the nine-year-old?

Ann: Yep. I don't know. I just feel like a white male heir to the Trump fortune will not be innocent for long.

Aminatou: What if he turns out trans or alt? What are you going to do about that?

Ann: You know what? I'll revise my opinion. I just think the prognosis is not great. Ugh. You think Barron Trump is Illuminati?

Aminatou: Oh, one hundo.

Ann: But not Barron's dad? Maybe we need to start referring to him as Barron's dad.

Aminatou: We're now going to start calling him Barron's dad.

Ann: Barron's dad. Henceforth he shall be known as Barron's dad since Ivanka has let us down.

Aminatou: Ivanka, dead to us.

Ann: Dead. I mean yeah.

Aminatou: You know, dead to us until the end of the campaign.

Ann: Oh, so lenient.

[Music]

Aminatou: What should we talk about?

Gina: Let's do a lightning round of favorite gifts from Christmas or favorite products.

Ann: Ooh, Christmas callback.

Gina: Skin care 2016.

Aminatou: Ugh, Gina D. Okay. We can't talk about Christmas gifts because some people who listen to this show gave us Christmas gifts that we didn't love.

Gina: Sounds like we should talk about it.

Aminatou: That's -- it's a Sarah Silverman joke.

Ann: So as a birthday gift I received piano lessons, but . . .

Aminatou: Wait, multiples?

(25:55)

Ann: So here's the deal, there are two teachers who I'm auditioning. So I will go to a lesson with each teacher and then decide who I want to continue with and then it's four more lessons with that teacher. So it's essentially six lessons, but with like whoever I choose, a starter and four more.

Aminatou: Have you never played piano before?

Ann: I played for eight years when I was a kid.

Aminatou: Oh, so you're like -- just like a bicycle.

Ann: No, it's not like a bicycle. But the thing that has me stressed is this makes sense because I feel I want to like this person/have it somewhere with a toned-down whiplash, like someone who will . . .

Aminatou: Yeah, I'm like you're about to do piano whiplash. You've got to get along with your instructor. [Laughs]

Ann: Exactly. And so I have to go and basically judge . . . it's like a first date. And it feels very stressful because one of them will know I didn't pick them.

Aminatou: Well, they can handle it. And also they just have to work harder for you. My piano teacher is one of my favorite humans in the whole world.

Ann: And how did you find this person?

Aminatou: Well, I mean I was a child obviously.

Ann: Oh, I thought you said my piano teacher as in currently. [Laughs]

Aminatou: No, my piano teacher growing up.

Ann: Historical.

Aminatou: She was the nicest lady, and when my mom yanked me out of piano because she was like "I don't know about this. You look like a flautist to me." [Laughs]

Ann: Your essence is flauting?

Aminatou: Yes, my essence is flute.

Ann: Fluting.

Aminatou: She was devastated. So was I. But we stay in touch. We're Facebook friends. She's hot.

Ann: My piano teacher growing up was one of my only alt role-models.

Aminatou: Stop.

Ann: She lived in this A-frame house that was covered in bird cages that she used as planters, like hanging plants.

Aminatou: Imogen Heap was your piano teacher?

Ann: Listen, Imogen Heap stole from my piano teacher. Shout out to Mrs. Crawly.

Aminatou: [Laughs]

Ann: And her husband -- her husband, this was also great, it was like a magical wonderland, her husband's job was photographing newborn babies at the hospital and so he would always have . . .

Aminatou: Wait, what? For medicine? Or for vanity?

(27:48)

Ann: For the newspaper. Like, you know, this is the analog days when I was a child and they would publish little tiny photos.

Aminatou: They just doxxed your baby photo on the . . .

Ann: Yeah, a small-town newspaper would totally dox your baby photo. It would be like a bumpy little baby photo next to the birth announcement.

Aminatou: It's like the privacy nerd in me is just like everything. I'm like they have your birthday and your photo? Like no.

Ann: Trust. Trust. And they published it in a newspaper that went to tens of thousands of people probably.

Aminatou: Listen, one excellent Christmas gift I got was from you. [Laughs]

Ann: Talk about it.

Aminatou: Was my DJ Khaled flip-flops.

Ann: Mm, slides.

Aminatou: Slides, that say "Another one" on them. They're so -- I've never been happier.

Ann: I wish I had taken video of myself ordering them online just cackling violently, just so happy I found this.

Aminatou: So listen, I was like -- every day I would go online and want to buy them and they were sold out. Health is wealth and he's just like prospering.

Ann: Another one.

Aminatou: And so you caught the day that they restocked the website.

Ann: I was keeping an eye out, I won't lie. I had a vision.

Aminatou: I'm not going to lie to you, it's like the thing showed up. It didn't have a card or anything. And I opened it and I knew. You know?

Ann: I also told you to watch your mailbox for a gift from me. [Laughs]

Aminatou: No, but many people had said this to me. They were like "Watch your mailbox," and I'm just like ugh. There's nothing I hate more than checking the mail. I check my mail once a month. And yeah, I'm tearing open through all these packages which is like the best part of not checking your mail.

Ann: Christmas once a month.

Aminatou: Yeah, you're just like oh my god. You're like who sent me this fantastic thing? But yeah, I like died. It was so good.

Ann: Your gift for me has not arrived yet.

Aminatou: It's a problem. It's a combo -- it's a combo Happy New Year/Merry Christmas/Happy Birthday.

Ann: Oh wow.

Aminatou: Hope you enjoy life.

Ann: You know, January birthday problems. This is -- you get a pass because obviously you're an impeccable gift giver but the combined Christmas/birthday gift is something that late December/early January babies -- a burden we bear.

Aminatou: Can I tell you a serious meltdown I had? This will be my first negative review for a business on here. So my brother's birthday is January 2.

Ann: He gets it.

Aminatou: Oh, he totally gets it. Also we're Muslim so we don't do Christmas, so you know, it's like . . .

Ann: But still.

(29:50)

Aminatou: But he just gets -- you know, it's like people go "Merry Christmas," and don't give him a gift. And they go "Happy birthday." It's the day after New Year's. He also doesn't get a gift. So this year I had my eye on these bomb sneakers I wanted to get him. That man has flawless taste.

Ann: Sure.

Aminatou: So it's like when you give him something he doesn't have, it's a lot. Order the thing. I ordered it on the phone. That's how serious it is.

Ann: That's the thing though, I feel like you like to order on the phone to get the best service.

Aminatou: Yeah, and you're just like -- and I needed a birthday card in it, and also my brother lives in Canada. When is somebody going to figure out shipping duty? Because I'm so tired of paying double taxes on presents. I'm like I could walk this thing across the border myself. So anyway, I knew exactly how much it needed to be so he wouldn't have to pay taxes on the other end to get his own present. I was so on top of it. And then I'm keeping an eye on the tracking. Nothing. They don't send it. They don't send it. And I finally had a meltdown because I was like my brother lives overseas. He never gets any presents. I'm sending him this one thing and he's not going to get it on time. And I kept emailing this business and they kept not responding to me because #holidays. And finally I wrote an email where I was like "I am deeply disappointed in the level of service that I've gotten. This is a birthday present for my brother. You've messed up his birthday. You've messed up my holiday." It was like a nightmare town.

Ann: And? Did they come groveling to your doorstep?

Aminatou: Yeah, kind of, and they gave me a tiny discount and they figured -- but I was like you've already . . . the pain is there. The pain is there and I was very upset.

Ann: I almost had to send a similar email to DJ Khaled about your sandals.

Aminatou: I know. I'm very conflicted about whether I should say where I bought these or not. This was at Totokaelo.

Ann: Okay.

Aminatou: Which is usually one of my favorite stores. I shop there all the time.

Ann: It's one of my favorite stores to "shop" -- I'm doing air quotes -- "shop at," but not actually purchase anything because it's too expensive.

Aminatou: Stop it.

Ann: Sorry, it's true. Oh my god, I put so many things in my shopping cart without checking out.

Aminatou: Whatever.

Ann: Core stoner activities.

(31:50)

Aminatou: I have the disposable income of a nine-year-old with a rich dad so it's cool.

Ann: Barron!

Aminatou: So yes, me and Barron Trump.

Ann: The same income to spend on sneakers.

Aminatou: We have this except I support myself, not to shove off Barron.

Ann: Oh, negative thoughts about Barron. Is this . . .

Aminatou: I am a black person. No, but it's just like, I don't know, it's the first time in a long time I sent a customer service email. And to the store's credit I will say that when the holidays were over and they realized what they had done they tried to work really quickly to fix it. But I like -- it was the first time I was devastated. I'm like this is a January baby problem. Next year I'm just going to send out his birthday present December 1 so I don't have to deal with the guilt of it. I was very sad.

Ann: Listen, January birthday problems, people being like "I'm sober this month. I can't come get really drunk on your birthday." The whole Christmas birthday combination thing. The whole the weather is always crap. Even in Los Angeles it always pours rain on my birthday., which great. Love it.

Aminatou: My birthday's in April. Sometimes the weather is bad.

Ann: Listen, April is a beautiful time for a birthday.

Aminatou: No, it's too cold. You're always like "Can you please heat the pool? Because it's too cold to jump in."

Ann: Stop. I'm like stop. Physically holding up my hand.

Aminatou: [Laughs] I'm very Marie Antoinette this week. I don't know what it is. I think it was watching Great British Bake Off.

Ann: Also I'm actually visually witnessing you in lounge position while saying this and I think that makes a difference.

Aminatou: [Laughs] It's true.

Ann: Feels luxurious.

Aminatou: It's true but whatever. Like shout out to the January people in our lives. I hope your present gets here before I leave Los Angeles.

Ann: I do too. I do too. I'm really glad I didn't have to write a mean email to DJ Khaled's intern who sent you your sandals.

Aminatou: Yeah, they don't want you to look good in January. That's the problem.

Ann: I know. They don't want you to be a good friend.

Aminatou: Okay, I think that we have talked about enough weird shit for one show. [Laughs] I'm very good at transitions.

Ann: Also we're out of wine. We're all on our last sip of wine.

Aminatou: Also we're out of wine.

[Music]

Ann: As those of you in San Francisco might know we have a live show coming up on February 19th at the JCC and it's almost sold out, maybe? So hopefully lots of you who are listening to this are coming. And the exciting news is that we are going to take a few listener questions at the event but we would love for you to record them in advance on our voicemail line if you could call us, we would love that, at 714-681-2943. That's 714-681-CYGF. Make sure to mention that we will see you there live in the audience. We're excited.

Aminatou: So excited! You can find us many places on the Internet, on our website callyourgirlfriend.com, download our show on the Acast app, or on iTunes where we would love it if you left us a review. You can tweet at us at @callyrgf or email us callyrgf@gmail.com. You can even leave us a short and sweet voicemail at 714-681-2943. That's 714-681-CYGF.

Gina: This podcast is produced by Gina Delvac.

Ann: Gina Delvac!

Aminatou: See you on the Internet, boo.

Gina: See you on the Internet.

Aminatou: See you on the Internet, Ann.

Ann: See you on the Internet!